You have no idea.
You really have no idea.
Maybe it's my fault I never told you
I don't think it would've changed anything though
I could tell you right now
But I don't know if I could do it justice
I would rather tell you to your face
But it's pointless if it holds no significance
I don't think it will
Not you
I don't think it ever would've
Or ever will

I've been through a lot in the past 3 months. I've experienced every type of emotion that is possible. I've been happy, I've been sad, I've been lonely, I've been fulfilled. There is only one thing that I can honestly say that I haven't been, and that's consistent.

Here's my deal, I lost what I thought to be the biggest thing in my life and when I still had part of it, I got rid of what little part I had. I do not regret it because all I would be doing is fooling myself into thinking I would get more than just a little, but I've missed it nonetheless. I can't say I would go back and change that decision because I feel like I prevented myself from future pain. Since then there has been someone else. I've been back and forth with my feelings thinking this is a chance to make me fall in love again to I'm not sure if I like you more than a friend. I've debated my feelings for over a month now trying to figure out exactly what this girl means to me. I feel like my long awaited debate is the answer to my question. If I can't make up my mind is it really there?

I've been living in ignorance not having whom I thought was/is the love of my life. I don't know what goes on in her life, but I have my assumptions. I do know it's best I don't know though. I do feel replaced which makes me feel less than I am. I feel as though she had a feeling for someone else while with me and now wasn't scared to show it. She's never told me she has that feeling now, but I'm not stupid. I thought I was over the whole deal with her. I know I'm better off without her, but part of me doesn't want to be. If I were called tomorrow, I would listen, but probably say no if the oppurtunity were presented to have her again. Sadly, it wouldn't be me having to accept what she has done, it's me not feeling like I'm more than who she is with now. I never have and after what has happened I don't know that I ever will. I don't think she could ever convince me of that. I know the only chance of getting a call is when he doesn't want her anymore, but wouldn't I just be the left overs? Part of me wants that phone call, part of me doesn't.

Back to my current problem. I have this new girl. It sounds great, almost too good to be true. Who thought I would be presented with an oppurtunity so soon? She has strong feelings for me and it scares me. Not that I'm scared to be loved, but I'm scared of hurting her. I like her a lot. I have so much fun with her. I talk to her all the time. She spends the night quite often. Though I enjoy every second we are together, there is no spark. I'm confused because I don't know how early I should feel this spark. Am I supposed to have the jitters for her now? Here's my thinking: We hang out all the time, we talk all the time, we have fun when were together, and we spend the night together. A huge part of me feels like I'm filling a void of what I have lost. I'm giving myself that last piece of the puzzle that makes me happy. I always have someone to talk to. I never go to bed alone. I always have someone to have fun with. I'm so scared of hurting her. I'm almost certain I can't feel what I'm supposed to, but I don't want to lose her company. I enjoy being with her too much. At what point do I make a decision. I wish there was a way to hang out and everything be ok inside of me. Unfortunately I'm not a fan of friends with benefits or fuck buddies for lack of a better term so I don't want it to get to that point. I just don't know what to do. I find myself hiding her from everyone to cover up the gossip people will have. Obviously I can't cover her up when she's here, but I can lie about the reason. I want to keep this going to see if I will feel different, but I feel like it's inevitable I will hurt her. I've never hurt anyone and don't want to start now.

Bottom line, I think I'm still in love. I know I am. I always want someone else with me. I see winter approaching and for some reason only think of one person. I see a future with what I once had, but not with what I currently have. I thought I felt different, but I guess I was wrong. I miss her and I love her. And I hate her for me still feeling that way. I'm loving something that I don't even know that I can accept back. At least not in the current state of mind I'm in in comparison to others. I wish things had been different, but I guess in life you lose people and can't understand it. I didn't understand her, and I'm sure who I'm about to hurt won't understand me. Life is a world full of pain. You have to work through the pain to have that moment of happiness that makes it all worthwhile. I feel as though I'm a good person and deserve love. I guess my time will come sooner or later when I get what I deserve.

You don't like the clothes I wear. You don't like the music I hear. You don't like the personality I developed. You don't like my future plans. You don't like who I'm trying to be.

When did I judge you? When did I tell you how you act is wrong? When did I tell you, you dress wrong? When did I tell you that the music you listen to is wrong? When did I tell you to live a certain place? When did I tell you what to do with your life?

---NEVER

I am who I am. Yes, I've changed. It's called growing up. I didn't know I was supposed to grow up a certain way. Can I not be multiple things at the same time? Do I have to conform to this certain look, attitude, personality, etc. that everyone around you has. Would you rather me become that red neck looking, snuff dipping, rebel flag wearing, country music listening, yee-haw fuck that everyone from this town is? Let me be me. I'm getting an education, what have you guys got? I escaped thsi town. Maybe that's why I'm different. I've experienced things you never dreamed of. I can accomplish things that you don't even have the oppurtunity to. Just let me be me. Shouldn't you love me regardless? You call yourself family? Family doesn't judge, they support. This is me. For once, raise up and get on my fucking level. Quit making me drop down to yours.

If you don't like the gangsta thugged out, punk rock, hard loving, deep minded, well educated person that I am becoming, then you GTFO. Not me. I come to see you. Do you come to see me? Why is it an inconvenience to come to my home when I come to yours. You keep saying, this is your home, this is your home. NO. Stop right there. I don't live here. I live 3 hours north. That is my. This may never be my home again. And if/when I move away from my current home, it may be further away. The more you push me and push me, the further the distance will grow. I may never permanently return to this town. And yes, it may be because I'm different, but that's not a bad thing. You guys are just all the same. Get out and quit confining yourself to this so-called "normal" life you guys think you live. You haven't lived until you see the diversity in the world around you. There is no "certain" way anyone should be. We are all different. Why don't you recognize it. Love me or hate me, I won't change for you. Love me for who I am and what I'll become. Don't hold your breath on my return to your normal life. It won't happen. Hope you see it now, it will only hurt you worse later. I love my family. Now show me some love.

Well, what a week it has been. Emotional rollercoaster? I guess you could call it that. More so confusion than anything I suppose. I told her Sunday that we should quti talking. I felt like I would continue to talk to her all the time and fall into the friend zone. I think that would just end up hurting me again. Trust me, I wish I could be friends. I wish I didn't care. But I do, so it is what it is. Me saying we should stop talking kind of came out of nowhere considering that we talked 24/7 and things have been pretty good the past couple of week. I had no indication that I was going to get anywhere more than a friend and I've already established that isn't enough. I just hope she is not dumb and actually contacts me if she does have feelings or misses me or wants to see me. Trust me though, I'm not holding my breath on that one. I don't really figure it will happen, but stanger shit has happened. When I wrote her the letter I tried to get my point across that I'm always there and if she ever needs me she always has me. I think the only thing she took out of it was "blah blah blah Nick's an asshole." But then again, I'm nott always right. Yeah I said we should stop talking, but I also said I didn't want to stop. This isn't a matter of what I want this is me trying to keep from getting hurt again worse than I already am. I feel like if she does start talking to me again it will be slightly serious in which I might be more willing to put my heart on the line again, but we'll see when that comes. My biggest question if that happens is will I be the fall back? I hope not, but it will probably take a lot of explaining to convince me otherwise. I mean, technically I will be a bit of a fall back because I feel like something bad would have to happen to make her miss me or want to talk to me again, but to what extent am I a fall back. I don't know so many questions that may never be answered, but I'm not used to having answers so it's no big deal. I'm living blissfully through ignorance right now and I guess it's not so bad. It will probably have bad effects later on, but if no one else wants to think about the future then why should I? I will admit, I do miss her and talking to her, but I'm living. I'm actually doing better than I thought I would, but I still miss her nonetheless. I mean, I do love her, it's kind of hard not to miss her. But I'm staying strong to my word and not talking because once again I'm just trying to protect myself against a situation that I thought was going nowhere. If I was wrong in my thoughts and actions then I don't feel like it was my fault. I feel like if there was a feeling or a thought that I wasn't aware of then she should've told me. I had to go off what I knew and what I knew was nothing. But anyways, back to this interesting week. So I've had a few run ins with a certain someone and we've been talking alot more. I've known this girl for a long time now and there was some flirtation back in the day in between relationships, but never went very far. I've hung out with her a few times this week no big deal. I mean she's cute and we get along really well and we connect pretty good. We've actually been able to talk on a more personal level since we've pretty much known each other for a long time so it's not really weird. I know she likes me because, well she told me. And I thought I liked her to. It was different. A refreshing change of pace and convienent since I just stopped talking to my ex. But to what extent I liked her I didn't know. So this weekend we hang out and I feel like I have discovered the answers I needed. Sure it's only been a week, but you would be surprised how much can happen in a week, how much you can talk to that person, and how much you can feel. Let's just say something happened this weekend that kind of made me upset, but only in my feelings. Things happened (and no it's not what you think, anyone that knows me should know how that shit goes with me.) i don't mess around with sex or emotions. It's not me. All I know is the whole time we were together I wished she was someone else. Yes, the person that I don't need it to be. I just didn't feel that connection. Yeah, there is connection, but not what I want. Not what I had. It sucks, trust me. I don't want to feel like I do, but shit happens I guess. It sucks too because I think she is in to me more than I am to her. I don't want to hurt anyone so part of me wants to stop it where it is before I get in too deep and end up being the asshole. That's not me. I hate writing about this, but this page is my own personal venting page. I can't trust anyone so why talk to anyone. It also sucks because I know YOU are probably reading this. (You know who you are.) But I guess you can see what goes on in my life without actually having to communicate with me. Shitty. If I knew how to hide this I might do it, but I guess it's not that big of aconcern for me. I hate that your reading this because it's almost like you get the satisfaction of being like "ha, he still loves me and can't get over me. I still have him hooked." Yes, I still love you, but hooked? I don't know. I managed to get this far, it was just a failure. I don't know if it's the person I was with or it's you. I wonder if someone else will make me feel differently or I really am just that in love with you. I don't know which one I want it be. The whole love feeling seems almost pointless at this point, but once again it is what it is. I can't change my feelings. But anyways, I guess I'll still hang with her, but I guess I need to watch things more closely. I don't want to hurt anyone or myself. I guess it's the final stretch before thanksgiving break. I don't know whether to be excited or sad. I don't really know what I'm going to do. It will be different that's for sure. My mom is still clueless of my life situation. She's starting to wonder now because the questions are beginning. Do I lie or face the questions that I don't want to answer? I'm sure if I go home for thanksgiving it will be a giveaway. I hope not. I'm not trying to run from anything I just don't want to deal with it now. Really never. I guess I need to quit writing this and do some homework. I have tests that need failed and I need to at least have the satisfaction I know I tried...lol. Until later, I'm signing off.  

So these are some pretty funny ananolgies my friend kept sendind me one after the other in an attempt to relate the situation. I found them hilarious given the case and the fact that every message he sent was an analogy. They may not make sense to you because I won't reveal what they were related to, but maybe you may find them useful...lol

-That's just the worm on the hook, dont take the bait

-If the fish doesn't bite the worm, the joke may be on the fish until he finds another meal, but it's the fisherman that goes home hungry

-It's like hunting, don't rush the shot as bad as you want to pull the trigger, but don't be a fool and wait too long. There will be time.

-You have to retain a little fire, if you don't you will become ice. It's easy to cool off, but almost impossible to heat back up.

I thought there were more than that, but I guess my phone shows otherwise. Oh well. They were funny coming one after the other. A simple real life explanation would do, but I guess this makes it better...lol

I don't mean to always write about the sad and upsetting things in my life. I have happy times, not so much at the current moment, but in general I have many happy times. Those are the times that people don't care to hear me. It's the sad times that no one wants to listen. So i write. No one can talk back to me and tell me I'm stupid or I am going about things all wrong. That's not what I need.

So everything has been very upsetting to me lately. I lost the girl I'm in love with and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to gain that back. It hurts that I lost her, but hurts worse that she's now with her ex. I often had personal issues in our relationship because I often wondered how I compared to him. I always wondered if I was better, if she was happier with me. I was looking for satisfaction yes, but I didn't always get it. I see why now. She broke up with me and now she's with him. How serious are they? I don't know that. If I had to guess I would say they are intimate. Thinking about that kills me. It shatters my heart into a million pieces, but I can't stop it. But you know what hurts worse? Knowing that she really never got over him and that she's probably going to fall in love with him again. I feel replaced. And quick. What can I do though? Nothing. I can't change the way she feels. I want her to love me, but I can't make her. I wan't her to not love him, but I can't make her. I just know that he means the world to her and that as time goes on she will fall deeper into love with him. I know this sounds extreme and quick, but I'm not so sure he wasn't always present in her head when she was with me. It makes me wonder just how important I am in her life. I just want to be the better man and be the person that she would pull up if we were both hanging off a cliff and she only had the strength to pull one of us up. I look back at our pictures and cry only because I know there may be no more. Even looking at the pictures of her life before she met me makes me cry only because I want to be part of that history. I love her, her family, and her friends. I don't want to lose any of it, but I'm going to. I get so confused because I don't know how she feels about me. She talks to me everyday. Sometimes almost all day. Texts, IM's, calls. You name it, I get it. I don't understand. She broke up with me because she didn't want me in her life as much and I guess I'm really not because she hides so much from me, but she still involves me in her everyday life. Sometimes we have 3-4 hour long conversations still. Why? Don't get me wrong, I love it, but why? There has to be more than you just like talking to me. Is it habit? Do you just want me to be your friend eventhough you know that will be hard for me to do? Or do you feel something and don't tell me? I wish I knew. Even if you do just want me to be your friend I don't feel like you talk to all of your other friends like that. In that case, I guess I'm flattered, but it makes no sense. I just wish you would tell me if you still feel something, but I don't guess you want me to get false hopes. Bottom line is that I think we are done. I hate saying that so much, but I feel like she is going to fall for him. He's obviously been so important in her life that she can't let go. Makes me feel like a fool sometimes, but what can I do. I love the girl. I know I should just quit talking to her and try to move on, but I can't. I know my chances with her are very slim, but I'm living off of those chances. She keeps telling me to just do what I want, but I am. I want to be with her. Therefore I'm trying to be. I'm going to back off a little, but try to stay strong in her head if that is even possible. I know they are probably having sex and yes that bothers me and hurts me so deep inside, but I'm putting that aside and trying for her. I'm in love with her. I can get over it all if she figures out I'm the one she wants. I just hope she can deal with my emotions and try to explain to me why when I have my struggles. I just want to be the perfect man for her because that's what she deserves. If she ends up with him then so be it. I will not be happy. I will be crushed. But I guess she wasn't meant for me. I just hope she is. I hope he doesn't hurt her. And if he does I hope she see's what she has here. I just hope I'm not a rebound or a back up. There's so many things going through my head right now that I can't get them all out. I'm just in love with a girl in love with another guy who is probably in love with her. I hate that I always get the raw end of the deal in any relationship, but I guess I will have my time. I just hope it's with you babe. Forever and always <3   =/

I thought I was supposed to slowly lose my feelings for her. Why do I wake up everyday wishing she was beside me more than I did the morning before? I need it to go away, but I don't want it to. I need to stop loving her, but I don't want to. I don't mean to sound like I can't get over her, I just DON'T WANT TO. I've never wanted anything more. Yeah, I'm 20. I'm also an adult. I'm allowed to feel the way I do. Everyone keeps telling me to live it up with many different people, but I personally can live it up with only one person. I was. I'm not crazy. I'm in love. I feel fortunate to feel that way because a lot of people never experience that. I only wish and hope that I get the chance to truely show how I feel.

Analogy for the day:

Relationships are like college football. You play many games in a season and even in your career. You win some, you lose some. But you learn from every game. Some teams are lucky and win many championships, but most aren't that lucky. So my point is, you win and lose many games along the way, but when it all comes down to it the only game that matters is that championship game. That one game that you've worked your whole career to reach. And when you get there you lose. So my question is where do you go from there? You will most likely not reach that game again because it took all you had to reach it once. You don't want to try for another one you just want the one back you lost. Never make the mistakes the first time, because you may not get a chance to make up for them. Most of the time it's a one and done deal. Don't let that championship game slip away because of a stupid play you made. Get it right the first time. You might not see it now, but it's worth it in the end. =/